This evening I felt fairly emotional when I checked Facebook. A lot of people changed their profile pictures to a red sign in support of marriage equality.
I am a latecomer to the campaign for marriage equality. It isn't that I don't support the cause. I do. At the time when people started talking about marriage equality, I was more concerned with other basic rights such as employment or housing that are often denied to gays and lesbians. I felt that shifting to marriage was premature when we had all of these other issues to sort out. My thought was the movement was ignoring the majority of the gay and lesbian population that were left unprotected because they didn't live in a city or county that protected gay and lesbians from basic discrimination. My thoughts shifted over time as I saw how people like Theodore Olsen came to publicly take on marriage equality.
In 1999, I was forced to leave a job I really loved because of who I am. It is a long story but it was an ugly situation. I was closeted at work to almost everyone. It didn't matter. I was targeted by a fellow co-worker in a campaign that psychologically hurt several of us. Physical threats of violence were overlooked by our employer. My employer only found out my official status as a lesbian when I filed a complaint against them with Chicago's Human Relations Commission. But I was not just an employee of this institution. I was also an alumni. I respected my boss. Hell, I learned more good things from her that serve me today than almost anyone else in my professional career even though she abandoned some of her best employees, including me. My relationship at the time never recovered from this period of time. I felt destroyed as a person. I was angry and frustrated. I stopped trusting people. I was just finishing my graduate program and lost a great job opportunity because of the case. Almost worse than anything was I felt alone. I was a victim who was made to feel even worse by the person investigating my case and all of the Chicago gay and lesbian organizations that only wanted high profile cases. I won my case that was fought entirely on my own. (Disclaimer -- I had lots of support from my girlfriend and some of my former co-workers. I was alone in legal terms). But, I lost so much more and I know that sounds like one huge cliche but it is true.
Even after all of this time, I struggle in trusting people to accept me for who I am. I will not come out at work unless I know for absolute certain that someone else is either a gay or lesbian or someone is an obvious supporter. At work, I do not talk about my girlfriends even though I hear plenty about husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends. I know this is my choice. I also know that it isn't rocket science to piece things together. I fit some stereotypes. I get it. But this is about comfort and security knowing that deep down there is still a lot of hatred and denial of basic rights. Frankly, I get tired of the lifelong coming out process with every person I meet. Again, I know that many other people are much more comfortable in letting people know about their sexual orientation. I am so jealous of them. I recently told someone at work that I did not feel comfortable coming out in our workplace. It surprised her because we have other co-workers who are openly out. I am just very sensitive to the undercurrent that I sense from people.
So, I am emotional tonight because I realized that there is a lot of love and support out in the world. I was very lucky in that my family was very loving and supportive when I finally told them about myself. Close family friends embraced me. It really wasn't that long ago when a roommate and I held a watch party for the famous episode when Ellen DeGeneres' character on the Ellen show came out. One of my sisters attended that party. She is the same sister who stopped attending one of our family's annual reunion because it fell on Chicago's Pride Parade. She said I was also her family and she wanted to stand by my side. Granted, it was a much better way to spend a Sunday afternoon. We have come a long way.
Just don't forget about the kids who were like me and so confused, scared and depressed about their sexuality that they wanted to die. Don't forget about all of the people who still keep their sexual orientation under wraps in the workplace or hidden from people. Fear is still present. It takes a long time to get rid of all of those wounds. Tonight I am just appreciating the outpouring of support for all of my people.
