Inability

I can't seem to find a decent sleep schedule these days. In all of my days fighting depression, I've never had a problem with sleep. If anything, I've always relied too much on sleep. Not this time. I also can't concentrate enough to escape into a book or a movie. All of the pharmaceuticals in the world will fail if they don't get me back to the place where I can sleep, read, and watch a movie.

At least the social part of me is going strong these days.

Basketball

Basketball. I've been a fan my entire life. A highlight of my year is watching the NCAA men's tournament. I usually take the first few days of the tournament off work so I can watch solid basketball and lounge around. This year is no different except I didn't take tomorrow off and I'll probably do some work today. I did the same thing for next week, which is a new thing.

I used to fill out brackets against my dad. Our bets were small --- lunch at the Garden Deli or a place in Chicago. I continued the trend with people like Mary for small stakes. My sister used to enter my bracket into her workplace pool. This is the first year that I am not competing against a single bracket (like Mary) or my sister's workplace pool. Instead, I entered my bracket against friends in a Facebook bracket. I still wrote out my bracket. I'll still fill out a bracket with the actual winners. I can't let some things go.

I can't say that I like this year's bracket. I ended up filling out another bracket with the teams that I want to win but I didn't enter it anywhere. Last year, I beat Obama. We'll see how I compare against him this year.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Management 101

I have 8 billion things to say on this topic. However, I can't because I know that some people read this blog that shouldn't read all my thoughts. It has actually sparked some ideas of mine about creating a truly anonymous blog quoting family and friends on things they encounter in the workplace.

I recently found out some unfortunate news about a former boss of mine. When I look back at the time I worked for her, I think of how much she helped shape who I am today. I guess that I can say the same thing for nearly every person I have worked for. Before I worked for her, I had the worst manager that I've ever experienced. She is a classic example of how you shouldn't manage a workplace. All my former managers had strengths and weaknesses. After all, don't we all bring a combination of practices to a workplace that we can be proud of, and others we wish we could take back? I really miss my boss from NYC (he isn't the one I heard the unfortunate news about). He could take a situation and really appreciate the irony, the responsibility attached to a task, and correctly evaluate our performance. He did all this with an amazing sense of humor. I don't think that I have ever had as encouraging a boss even though in the moment of all our stress we had a hard time appreciating his encouragement. When I saw him recently, I was reminded of how much I appreciated learning from him.

I've started reconsidering my role as a manager. One positive aspect of switching jobs is that I can recreate myself and take on the traits that I've wanted to develop and shed the ones that interfere with my performance. People don't have baggage so they see me in the present. I am afraid I could make all these changes right now and it wouldn't matter because people have their preconceived notions of me. I find that sad. I'm feeling pretty down about the whole management thing right now. I have some specific reasons I am down, but again I need to keep it to myself.

I've also reconsidered whether I want to remain a librarian. Because of other circumstances in my life, I am at a place where I can make some of these decisions. I want to start making a difference in the world. I don't think that is going to happen in my profession, or in my current environment.

But, I am grateful for Arno and Dianne for showing me how you can manage people ---- letting people grow, displaying a sense of humor, and being so supportive of me. The library community will miss your leadership.

Tired

It has been one of those weeks when I just want to put the covers over my head and sleep. Last week, I felt so good. I was getting things done and starting to catch up on projects (home - not work). This week is just lost. I haven't been able to read a newspaper, stay awake, read blogs, or send personal email. Even my walks with Elston have been less enjoyable.

On the bright side, I have vacation days in the next three weeks, including a trip to Illinois planned. I've spent some quality time with friends. I started working on a writing project. I've also thought more about how I am going to handle some difficult situations in my life.

Meanwhile, I have two important questions on animal life. One, why would robins take a bath in a muddy puddle? Doesn't it defeat the purpose? Second, what kind of animal is acting crazy on the roof above my head. I am almost scared to step outside to look. It sounds like a pack of squirrels building a social club. If so, I wonder if they can take the girl next door hostage.

Oscars

Academy Awards:

Red Carpet:

When did Miley Cyrus become someone that anyone cares about?

I think Jeff Bridges is stoned.

Do you think people laugh at the stupid announcers as soon as they walk away? I would.

Where is my girlfriend, Cate?

I love Gabourey. She is just damn awesome.

Okay, I love Meryl.

Awards:

Helen, Colin, George, Gabourey, Meryl!

Wait, is J-Lo sitting with Robin Williams?

Okay, I hate sing and dance numbers.

I thought that was David Paterson but it is Antonio Banderas. What the hell?

Vera could become my new girlfriend. Don't tell Cate.

Okay the Hitler memorabilia joke with Meryl was funny.

George Clooney looks thrilled. Not.

Okay, I don't think I can focus enough since I am multitasking.

Age awareness

The other day, I spoke to my niece on the phone. She has an upcoming birthday so I asked her how old she was going to be since I forget these things. She said ten.

It has left me freaked out because I distinctly remember everything surrounding her birthday --- the excitement, rushing to the hospital, and what was going on in my life. It was my sister's first baby. She called me on the way to the hospital because she forgot her camera at my apartment.

I had to go to a job that was my first professional library position. I hated this job more than anything else. It was hell on earth. I asked to leave work early so I could leave for the hospital. I was lectured because I had taken too much time off (no more than three days in months), and they had just found out that I had applied for another position. Well, of course I had. This job was horrible. I promised that I wouldn't pursue the other job just so I could leave for the hospital. Of course, I left that job only a few months later.

It was also the day before my best friend's 30th birthday. Her husband was throwing her a surprise party and I was playing a key role in the set-up role. We were nervous about Amy's due date and the party. Now the two of them are connected because their birthdays are a day apart.

Within her first year, I started a new job. I turned 30. I really started getting interested in my career. And, there was this little being who has turned into an amazing ten year old child. Granted, her birthday isn't for another month but I can't help thinking how much she changed my life.