2007-2013

I have decided to put this blog to rest.   The main reason is I no longer have things I really want to say or feel like people want to hear.  My hope is that I won't have spider stories to share once I move.  Right there takes away 75% of my blogging content.  The other reason is the original purpose for the blog has reached its end.  I started this blog when I was moving from New Jersey to Portland.  It started at one of the lowest points of my life.  It was meant to capture the process of moving away from a difficult situation to a place where I hoped I would make some changes.

The last six and a half years have been....interesting.  In May 2007, I had no idea what would happen. Honestly, I wasn't sure I would make it.  As the subtitle of this blog states, I gained my soul back.  I am a much happier person than early 2007. Professionally, the least important part of my life, I learned a lot about myself.  I can't even begin to say all of the things, nor should I, of the things I've learned at my former place of employment.  I can say that I was fortunate to have a great staff who energized, challenged, and inspired me.  I will miss so many of them when I start my new job.  When I look back to 2000 when I entered this profession, I think of how I have really matured as a person and as a manager.  I probably experienced most of that growth in the last six years.

The best part about the last six and a half years is the number of people who have become a part of my life. Creating a community of close friends was something missing when I lived in Eugene and Union City. From my friends, Brian and Abby, who already lived in Portland when I moved here, to the friends I have made over these last six years. To my friend, Bonnie, who demonstrated the most patience with me as I would hide for months at a time and suddenly call with a request for help. She has been such a stable presence in my life for over ten years. It was only appropriate that she was with me when Elston was put to sleep. Friends, like Brian and Abby, who didn't mind suddenly taking Elston for an unspecified period of time when I needed to get some help or friends who listened to my relationship ups and downs with tremendous patience. I know that I am struggling with these goodbyes more than any other time in my life.  I have just learned so much from this group of friends.  Joan - a brilliant, hysterically funny, and giving person who has been such a supportive friend over these years.  I really can't imagine life without her living 10 minutes away.  It throws me into a panic when I think about living so far from her and David. Sadie and Josh who are this amazing couple that I love to watch interact with their level of adoration that I've never seen before. Robin who has such a passion for absolutely everything that is backed up by an amazing intellect. Alison who chimes in with her wicked sense of humor and tender kindness that is hard to match.  Jill and Dennis who are such great parents to an amazing little girl who lights up a room.  Jim - I wish I had met him when I was a young thing who needed guidance on how to live my life.  In my opinion, he is a perfect and beautiful person who saved my life in so many ways over the last six months. It breaks my heart to leave all of you.

This past week, I went to the Oregon coast where I spread some of Elston's ashes this summer.  It was sort of my goodbye to Elston. It feels weird moving next week without her.  It feels as if I am leaving a part of her behind, which makes me so sad.  It is really that reason that makes it feel like this is the best time to end this blog.  There is no question that this move has dredged up a lot of memories of her.  After she died, I was in a bit of denial about the loss.  It wasn't until I was on a flight from my interview back to Portland when it hit me. I realized one of the hardest things about leaving Portland was leaving behind my reality of Elston in this apartment and city. It is in this apartment where I will hold many memories of her -- good and bad.  I can't help but think of our move from Union City to Portland.  I was barely functional for that drive across the country by myself.  I remember the first morning in Pennsylvania when I accidentally locked myself out of the car with Elston sitting in the passenger seat.  Not only was I in a panic but I felt it was this bad omen for what was to come. But, we made it.  It is one reason why I am moving a basket of half of her toys or why I start crying when I think of giving up this couch tomorrow morning.

Goodbye Portland. Thank you for helping me getting my soul back.

End of Summer

It is a slight understatement to say that I am ready for the end of summer.  It isn't because I hate the warmer weather or the sunshine.  For me, the change in seasons will symbolize the end of a rough patch.  I already feel slightly better knowing that Autumn is on its way. Within the last few days, I have started turning a corner.  I was able to read a book for the first time since early June. I caught up on the daily newspapers and started tackling the Sunday NY Times that have been building up since last March.  I feel a little more energized to tackle some work projects.  It also helps that I get to see family and friends later this week. 

The obvious thing that happened this summer is Elston dying.  I went through most of July just avoiding my grief by focusing on other things or trying to stay out of the apartment as much as possible.  It caught up to me in early August and has been more center stage ever since.  It feels much healthier acknowledging the grief when it comes on rather than repressing it.  The other major thing is the health of someone very close to me. My worry comes on waves but I am trying to remain as hopeful as possible.  Financial stress is a major one right now. I've always told myself that financial worries can always be worked out.  It is the other stuff that deserves more attention.  There are always solutions to financial problems and that is the case here.  I need to figure them out but it isn't life or death. Health.  What else is new? I can even go back as far as late April when I started losing sense of things.  I'm working through some of those issues and realizing that I am okay. Part of losing my sense of self revolved around a crush that has gone on too long.  I am dodging the bullet on that one. 

It hasn't been all bad.  I've spent more time with my Portland friends who seem like family to me. I am surrounded by a group of very supportive, fun people. Work has turned around with a new person around who makes me feel like I am no longer alone.  My word for the next few months is hope.

Odds

I am almost a week behind in my personal email so I decided I should probably see if there was anything important from non-family or friends.  One of my Google alerts delivered via email is on a drug I took for several years.  Apparently, a number of clinical trials were stopped by this week for a related illness because of the high number of deaths.  A Google search later, I learned it is still a drug used in the treatment of my illness.  Whew.  

As I cruised through NCI's latest information on treatment options, I saw the median survival rate.  I realized I am now one year beyond that median number.  It doesn't make me panic at all.  In fact, I feel generally healthy so the odds are with me.  It actually makes me think that I will continue beating this illness.  I wish I had the same level of confidence in beating everything else in my life but this is one thing that is actually going okay.

Chuck and T-Rex

Lots of meowing at the screen door.  T-Rex is insistent.

Chuck: What?
T-Rex: Thank God you are okay.  We haven't seen you in days.  Tina and Tiny have been stalking the front door.  Didn't you see the ramp we built so we could peer more closely in the bedroom window?
Chuck: No.  I've just been sleeping a lot.  What do you want?
T-Rex: What happened to the red thing?
Chuck: Elston.  Her name was Elston.  She is gone.  I am not sure where but she is gone.
T-Rex: Uh oh.  Did she go to a farm?
Chuck: What? I don't know.  She is just gone.  The human is a mess.  I am missing my friend.
T-Rex: Chuck.
Chuck: I don't really want to talk right now.
T-Rex: You know this is a perfect time for you to get extra food and attention.  Don't waste it.
Chuck: You are a loser cat.

Rest in Peace

Elston 1997-2013

Conversations between cats

Chuck has a buddy who comes to chat with him outside the second bedroom's sliding glass door.  This is what I think I overheard today:

T-Rex: Hey, did she find the pack of smokes?
Chuck: Nah.  Did you ask Tina where she left them?  I need to find them before she stumbles across them.
T-Rex: Tina isn't talking to me since the other night.  Can't you blame one of the blondes who checked in on you?
Chuck: I suppose.  She is all distracted right now because the red one is sick.
T-Rex: Yea.  I've been watching them from the living room window.  She is carrying that bag of fur up and down those stairs like some sort of princess.
Chuck: Well, I think it is sick because it isn't inhaling food like before.  I mean, the thing actually stopped trying to get at my food. 
T-Rex: Hmm.  I suppose it is true.

Moment of silence

Chuck: What?
T-Rex: Well, I didn't want to say but there are some rumors going around right now.
Chuck: About me?
T-Rex: Yea.  Tiny happened to walk past the windows the other day and saw you sucking your paw as you leaned against the human.
Chuck: I have told you before that it is a ploy.  I get away with things when she thinks I am innocent and stuff.  I heard her tell a friend that I need protecting because I am her little boy.  Please. Me?
T-Rex: Well, I guess I can believe it since she didn't think you would host parties while she was away.  Still, you have to think about your reputation.  Can't you do something other than suck your paw?
Chuck: Like what?
T-Rex: Flop down on your back, make loud noises, and lick their hands while they pet you. Or, just act cool and not like some dork.
Chuck: Fine.
T-Rex: There is the other rumor that you were seen kind of close to the red thing and that you haven't been pushing it around since it returned.
Chuck: Naw, man.  It is part of my game.  They think I am being nice so I get some nice scratches and stuff.  I'm not getting that close right now because that bag of fur smells bad.  
T-Rex: What is she doing right now?
Chuck: The red thing?
T-Rex: No, the human.
Chuck: What do you think?  Sleeping.  If she isn't doting on the bag of red fur, she is sleeping.
T-Rex: She sick or something?
Chuck: I don't know.  She keeps mumbling some name and New York City and Chicago.
T-Rex: A cat name?
Chuck: Better not be.
T-Rex: You need to investigate this shit.
Chuck: How?
T-Rex: I don't know.  I'll talk to Tiny and Tina.
T-Rex: She getting in her car tomorrow?
Chuck: Who knows.  Depends on the red floppy thing.  Not like she would stay home for me.
T-Rex: Remember what I said about the paw sucking thing?
Chuck: Yea.
T-Rex: You can't make comments like that around the others. You sound needy.
Chuck: I need a smoke.  

More than just marriage for me

This evening I felt fairly emotional when I checked Facebook.  A lot of people changed their profile pictures to a red sign in support of marriage equality.

I am a latecomer to the campaign for marriage equality.  It isn't that I don't support the cause.  I do.  At the time when people started talking about marriage equality, I was more concerned with other basic rights such as employment or housing that are often denied to gays and lesbians.  I felt that shifting to marriage was premature when we had all of these other issues to sort out.  My thought was the movement was ignoring the majority of the gay and lesbian population that were left unprotected because they didn't live in a city or county that protected gay and lesbians from basic discrimination.  My thoughts shifted over time as I saw how people like Theodore Olsen came to publicly take on marriage equality.  

In 1999, I was forced to leave a job I really loved because of who I am.  It is a long story but it was an ugly situation.  I was closeted at work to almost everyone.  It didn't matter.  I was targeted by a fellow co-worker in a campaign that psychologically hurt several of us.  Physical threats of violence were overlooked by our employer. My employer only found out my official status as a lesbian when I filed a complaint against them with Chicago's Human Relations Commission.  But I was not just an employee of this institution.  I was also an alumni.  I respected my boss.  Hell, I learned more good things from her that serve me today than almost anyone else in my professional career even though she abandoned some of her best employees, including me. My relationship at the time never recovered from this period of time.  I felt destroyed as a person.  I was angry and frustrated.  I stopped trusting people.  I was just finishing my graduate program and lost a great job opportunity because of the case.  Almost worse than anything was I felt alone.  I was a victim who was made to feel even worse by the person investigating my case and all of the Chicago gay and lesbian organizations that only wanted high profile cases.  I won my case that was fought entirely on my own.  (Disclaimer -- I had lots of support from my girlfriend and some of my former co-workers.  I was alone in legal terms). But, I lost so much more and I know that sounds like one huge cliche but it is true.

Even after all of this time, I struggle in trusting people to accept me for who I am.  I will not come out at work unless I know for absolute certain that someone else is either a gay or lesbian or someone is an obvious supporter.  At work, I do not talk about my girlfriends even though I hear plenty about husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends.  I know this is my choice.  I also know that it isn't rocket science to piece things together.  I fit some stereotypes.  I get it.  But this is about comfort and security knowing that deep down there is still a lot of hatred and denial of basic rights.  Frankly, I get tired of the lifelong coming out process with every person I meet.  Again, I know that many other people are much more comfortable in letting people know about their sexual orientation. I am so jealous of them.  I recently told someone at work that I did not feel comfortable coming out in our workplace.  It surprised her because we have other co-workers who are openly out.  I am just very sensitive to the undercurrent that I sense from people.

So, I am emotional tonight because I realized that there is a lot of love and support out in the world.   I was very lucky in that my family was very loving and supportive when I finally told them about myself.  Close family friends embraced me.  It really wasn't that long ago when a roommate and I held a watch party for the famous episode when Ellen DeGeneres' character on the Ellen show came out.  One of my sisters attended that party.  She is the same sister who stopped attending one of our family's annual reunion because it fell on Chicago's Pride Parade.  She said I was also her family and she wanted to stand by my side.  Granted, it was a much better way to spend a Sunday afternoon. We have come a long way.  

Just don't forget about the kids who were like me and so confused, scared and depressed about their sexuality that they wanted to die.  Don't forget about all of the people who still keep their sexual orientation under wraps in the workplace or hidden from people.  Fear is still present.  It takes a long time to get rid of all of those wounds.  Tonight I am just appreciating the outpouring of support for all of my people.