2007-2013

I have decided to put this blog to rest.   The main reason is I no longer have things I really want to say or feel like people want to hear.  My hope is that I won't have spider stories to share once I move.  Right there takes away 75% of my blogging content.  The other reason is the original purpose for the blog has reached its end.  I started this blog when I was moving from New Jersey to Portland.  It started at one of the lowest points of my life.  It was meant to capture the process of moving away from a difficult situation to a place where I hoped I would make some changes.

The last six and a half years have been....interesting.  In May 2007, I had no idea what would happen. Honestly, I wasn't sure I would make it.  As the subtitle of this blog states, I gained my soul back.  I am a much happier person than early 2007. Professionally, the least important part of my life, I learned a lot about myself.  I can't even begin to say all of the things, nor should I, of the things I've learned at my former place of employment.  I can say that I was fortunate to have a great staff who energized, challenged, and inspired me.  I will miss so many of them when I start my new job.  When I look back to 2000 when I entered this profession, I think of how I have really matured as a person and as a manager.  I probably experienced most of that growth in the last six years.

The best part about the last six and a half years is the number of people who have become a part of my life. Creating a community of close friends was something missing when I lived in Eugene and Union City. From my friends, Brian and Abby, who already lived in Portland when I moved here, to the friends I have made over these last six years. To my friend, Bonnie, who demonstrated the most patience with me as I would hide for months at a time and suddenly call with a request for help. She has been such a stable presence in my life for over ten years. It was only appropriate that she was with me when Elston was put to sleep. Friends, like Brian and Abby, who didn't mind suddenly taking Elston for an unspecified period of time when I needed to get some help or friends who listened to my relationship ups and downs with tremendous patience. I know that I am struggling with these goodbyes more than any other time in my life.  I have just learned so much from this group of friends.  Joan - a brilliant, hysterically funny, and giving person who has been such a supportive friend over these years.  I really can't imagine life without her living 10 minutes away.  It throws me into a panic when I think about living so far from her and David. Sadie and Josh who are this amazing couple that I love to watch interact with their level of adoration that I've never seen before. Robin who has such a passion for absolutely everything that is backed up by an amazing intellect. Alison who chimes in with her wicked sense of humor and tender kindness that is hard to match.  Jill and Dennis who are such great parents to an amazing little girl who lights up a room.  Jim - I wish I had met him when I was a young thing who needed guidance on how to live my life.  In my opinion, he is a perfect and beautiful person who saved my life in so many ways over the last six months. It breaks my heart to leave all of you.

This past week, I went to the Oregon coast where I spread some of Elston's ashes this summer.  It was sort of my goodbye to Elston. It feels weird moving next week without her.  It feels as if I am leaving a part of her behind, which makes me so sad.  It is really that reason that makes it feel like this is the best time to end this blog.  There is no question that this move has dredged up a lot of memories of her.  After she died, I was in a bit of denial about the loss.  It wasn't until I was on a flight from my interview back to Portland when it hit me. I realized one of the hardest things about leaving Portland was leaving behind my reality of Elston in this apartment and city. It is in this apartment where I will hold many memories of her -- good and bad.  I can't help but think of our move from Union City to Portland.  I was barely functional for that drive across the country by myself.  I remember the first morning in Pennsylvania when I accidentally locked myself out of the car with Elston sitting in the passenger seat.  Not only was I in a panic but I felt it was this bad omen for what was to come. But, we made it.  It is one reason why I am moving a basket of half of her toys or why I start crying when I think of giving up this couch tomorrow morning.

Goodbye Portland. Thank you for helping me getting my soul back.

End of Summer

It is a slight understatement to say that I am ready for the end of summer.  It isn't because I hate the warmer weather or the sunshine.  For me, the change in seasons will symbolize the end of a rough patch.  I already feel slightly better knowing that Autumn is on its way. Within the last few days, I have started turning a corner.  I was able to read a book for the first time since early June. I caught up on the daily newspapers and started tackling the Sunday NY Times that have been building up since last March.  I feel a little more energized to tackle some work projects.  It also helps that I get to see family and friends later this week. 

The obvious thing that happened this summer is Elston dying.  I went through most of July just avoiding my grief by focusing on other things or trying to stay out of the apartment as much as possible.  It caught up to me in early August and has been more center stage ever since.  It feels much healthier acknowledging the grief when it comes on rather than repressing it.  The other major thing is the health of someone very close to me. My worry comes on waves but I am trying to remain as hopeful as possible.  Financial stress is a major one right now. I've always told myself that financial worries can always be worked out.  It is the other stuff that deserves more attention.  There are always solutions to financial problems and that is the case here.  I need to figure them out but it isn't life or death. Health.  What else is new? I can even go back as far as late April when I started losing sense of things.  I'm working through some of those issues and realizing that I am okay. Part of losing my sense of self revolved around a crush that has gone on too long.  I am dodging the bullet on that one. 

It hasn't been all bad.  I've spent more time with my Portland friends who seem like family to me. I am surrounded by a group of very supportive, fun people. Work has turned around with a new person around who makes me feel like I am no longer alone.  My word for the next few months is hope.

Odds

I am almost a week behind in my personal email so I decided I should probably see if there was anything important from non-family or friends.  One of my Google alerts delivered via email is on a drug I took for several years.  Apparently, a number of clinical trials were stopped by this week for a related illness because of the high number of deaths.  A Google search later, I learned it is still a drug used in the treatment of my illness.  Whew.  

As I cruised through NCI's latest information on treatment options, I saw the median survival rate.  I realized I am now one year beyond that median number.  It doesn't make me panic at all.  In fact, I feel generally healthy so the odds are with me.  It actually makes me think that I will continue beating this illness.  I wish I had the same level of confidence in beating everything else in my life but this is one thing that is actually going okay.

Chuck and T-Rex

Lots of meowing at the screen door.  T-Rex is insistent.

Chuck: What?
T-Rex: Thank God you are okay.  We haven't seen you in days.  Tina and Tiny have been stalking the front door.  Didn't you see the ramp we built so we could peer more closely in the bedroom window?
Chuck: No.  I've just been sleeping a lot.  What do you want?
T-Rex: What happened to the red thing?
Chuck: Elston.  Her name was Elston.  She is gone.  I am not sure where but she is gone.
T-Rex: Uh oh.  Did she go to a farm?
Chuck: What? I don't know.  She is just gone.  The human is a mess.  I am missing my friend.
T-Rex: Chuck.
Chuck: I don't really want to talk right now.
T-Rex: You know this is a perfect time for you to get extra food and attention.  Don't waste it.
Chuck: You are a loser cat.

Rest in Peace

Elston 1997-2013

Conversations between cats

Chuck has a buddy who comes to chat with him outside the second bedroom's sliding glass door.  This is what I think I overheard today:

T-Rex: Hey, did she find the pack of smokes?
Chuck: Nah.  Did you ask Tina where she left them?  I need to find them before she stumbles across them.
T-Rex: Tina isn't talking to me since the other night.  Can't you blame one of the blondes who checked in on you?
Chuck: I suppose.  She is all distracted right now because the red one is sick.
T-Rex: Yea.  I've been watching them from the living room window.  She is carrying that bag of fur up and down those stairs like some sort of princess.
Chuck: Well, I think it is sick because it isn't inhaling food like before.  I mean, the thing actually stopped trying to get at my food. 
T-Rex: Hmm.  I suppose it is true.

Moment of silence

Chuck: What?
T-Rex: Well, I didn't want to say but there are some rumors going around right now.
Chuck: About me?
T-Rex: Yea.  Tiny happened to walk past the windows the other day and saw you sucking your paw as you leaned against the human.
Chuck: I have told you before that it is a ploy.  I get away with things when she thinks I am innocent and stuff.  I heard her tell a friend that I need protecting because I am her little boy.  Please. Me?
T-Rex: Well, I guess I can believe it since she didn't think you would host parties while she was away.  Still, you have to think about your reputation.  Can't you do something other than suck your paw?
Chuck: Like what?
T-Rex: Flop down on your back, make loud noises, and lick their hands while they pet you. Or, just act cool and not like some dork.
Chuck: Fine.
T-Rex: There is the other rumor that you were seen kind of close to the red thing and that you haven't been pushing it around since it returned.
Chuck: Naw, man.  It is part of my game.  They think I am being nice so I get some nice scratches and stuff.  I'm not getting that close right now because that bag of fur smells bad.  
T-Rex: What is she doing right now?
Chuck: The red thing?
T-Rex: No, the human.
Chuck: What do you think?  Sleeping.  If she isn't doting on the bag of red fur, she is sleeping.
T-Rex: She sick or something?
Chuck: I don't know.  She keeps mumbling some name and New York City and Chicago.
T-Rex: A cat name?
Chuck: Better not be.
T-Rex: You need to investigate this shit.
Chuck: How?
T-Rex: I don't know.  I'll talk to Tiny and Tina.
T-Rex: She getting in her car tomorrow?
Chuck: Who knows.  Depends on the red floppy thing.  Not like she would stay home for me.
T-Rex: Remember what I said about the paw sucking thing?
Chuck: Yea.
T-Rex: You can't make comments like that around the others. You sound needy.
Chuck: I need a smoke.  

More than just marriage for me

This evening I felt fairly emotional when I checked Facebook.  A lot of people changed their profile pictures to a red sign in support of marriage equality.

I am a latecomer to the campaign for marriage equality.  It isn't that I don't support the cause.  I do.  At the time when people started talking about marriage equality, I was more concerned with other basic rights such as employment or housing that are often denied to gays and lesbians.  I felt that shifting to marriage was premature when we had all of these other issues to sort out.  My thought was the movement was ignoring the majority of the gay and lesbian population that were left unprotected because they didn't live in a city or county that protected gay and lesbians from basic discrimination.  My thoughts shifted over time as I saw how people like Theodore Olsen came to publicly take on marriage equality.  

In 1999, I was forced to leave a job I really loved because of who I am.  It is a long story but it was an ugly situation.  I was closeted at work to almost everyone.  It didn't matter.  I was targeted by a fellow co-worker in a campaign that psychologically hurt several of us.  Physical threats of violence were overlooked by our employer. My employer only found out my official status as a lesbian when I filed a complaint against them with Chicago's Human Relations Commission.  But I was not just an employee of this institution.  I was also an alumni.  I respected my boss.  Hell, I learned more good things from her that serve me today than almost anyone else in my professional career even though she abandoned some of her best employees, including me. My relationship at the time never recovered from this period of time.  I felt destroyed as a person.  I was angry and frustrated.  I stopped trusting people.  I was just finishing my graduate program and lost a great job opportunity because of the case.  Almost worse than anything was I felt alone.  I was a victim who was made to feel even worse by the person investigating my case and all of the Chicago gay and lesbian organizations that only wanted high profile cases.  I won my case that was fought entirely on my own.  (Disclaimer -- I had lots of support from my girlfriend and some of my former co-workers.  I was alone in legal terms). But, I lost so much more and I know that sounds like one huge cliche but it is true.

Even after all of this time, I struggle in trusting people to accept me for who I am.  I will not come out at work unless I know for absolute certain that someone else is either a gay or lesbian or someone is an obvious supporter.  At work, I do not talk about my girlfriends even though I hear plenty about husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends.  I know this is my choice.  I also know that it isn't rocket science to piece things together.  I fit some stereotypes.  I get it.  But this is about comfort and security knowing that deep down there is still a lot of hatred and denial of basic rights.  Frankly, I get tired of the lifelong coming out process with every person I meet.  Again, I know that many other people are much more comfortable in letting people know about their sexual orientation. I am so jealous of them.  I recently told someone at work that I did not feel comfortable coming out in our workplace.  It surprised her because we have other co-workers who are openly out.  I am just very sensitive to the undercurrent that I sense from people.

So, I am emotional tonight because I realized that there is a lot of love and support out in the world.   I was very lucky in that my family was very loving and supportive when I finally told them about myself.  Close family friends embraced me.  It really wasn't that long ago when a roommate and I held a watch party for the famous episode when Ellen DeGeneres' character on the Ellen show came out.  One of my sisters attended that party.  She is the same sister who stopped attending one of our family's annual reunion because it fell on Chicago's Pride Parade.  She said I was also her family and she wanted to stand by my side.  Granted, it was a much better way to spend a Sunday afternoon. We have come a long way.  

Just don't forget about the kids who were like me and so confused, scared and depressed about their sexuality that they wanted to die.  Don't forget about all of the people who still keep their sexual orientation under wraps in the workplace or hidden from people.  Fear is still present.  It takes a long time to get rid of all of those wounds.  Tonight I am just appreciating the outpouring of support for all of my people.

The MOOCs

What the hell is a MOOC?  MOOC stands for massively open online course and they are offered by a variety of providers.  I started hearing more about them last summer, especially in all of the higher education literature.  I have all sorts of opinions on whether or not these services will make money or how much it will change higher education.  Some of my thoughts have evolved as I have taken different courses offered through Coursera.

I started off the MOOC adventure by taking an introduction to statistics course.  At the time, I was considering a second master's degree and suspected I would need a college level statistics course.  I've heard horror stories about statistics classes so I thought this would serve as a nice introduction to the topic.  I was also interested in checking out the MOOC madness.  Hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world registered for this class.  It was amazing to skim through the discussion forum and read entries on why people were taking the course.  I also learned that discussion forums can try my patience.  I think this forum was the worst of the four courses I have participated in.  People complained about everything -- the workload, using open source software that was confusing, figuring out the assignments, deadlines, and more complaints about deadlines.  I just wanted to scream at people that this was a free course taught by someone at Princeton.  Deal.  Honestly, I ended up sharing some of their frustrations but not because of the number of hours or lack of a certificate.  It was more than a little unorganized, which was not helped by some glitches with the Coursera software.  I felt bad for the graduate assistants who were helping the professor.  I definitely underestimated the workload but it wasn't until a problem until I went on vacation.  It was at the same time that the course content became  more challenging.  I ended up dropping the class.  My hope is that they work out a course schedule that is more organized so I can take it again.  I really liked the professor's lecture style, the assignments, and the emphasis on using R, the open source statistical software.  He was definitely more detached than the other instructors I've had since this first class.  He also got a little prickly on the course's Facebook page.  I can't say I blame him entirely based on some of the comments but still...

Next, I took an operations management class.  Looking back, I am not sure if this was really the best choice for me because I realized by the third week that I wasn't too interested in the topic.  This course was completely different from the statistics one in that the professor was much more involved in responding to questions on the discussion forums.  Again, this was a course that had a large number of people who registered from all over the world.  I basically stopped the lectures and quizzes around the time of the mid-term.

I am close to finishing up my third course, principles of public health.  I love this class.  The lectures are engaging, the discussion forum is interesting to read, and the professor is very into this effort.  I actually look forward to her weekly emails to the thousands of people taking the course.  It has sparked my interest in epidemiology so I am already planning on signing up for an epidemiology course.  The other cool thing about this course is how the global participation has made the discussion forum more interesting.  During the first week, I found it interesting to read what people thought of our country's public health issues, particularly in the area of nutrition.  I am going to finish this class but I decided not to complete the writing assignment.

I just started the next class on women in the civil rights movement.  This is a subject of great personal interest for me since it is something I have informally studied since I was a kid.  The course outline, lectures, and readings look very interesting.  As with the other classes, this one also takes a different approach in the style of video lectures and assignments.  This is also the first class that brings a librarian into the mix by offering a discussion forum topic for some of her university's librarians to advise on research topics.  I am not sure I will complete the research papers but I plan on completing all of the other assignments.

I suspect that a lot of students taking Coursera classes are like me.  They want to learn more about a subject, yet don't want to register for a course or program at a regular university.  I have signed up for a lot more courses on a wide range of topics.  At the very least, I have told myself to learn more about a topic and not stress about tests and assignments.

Last two books

 I've had an edition of this book around for years but never read it. This most recent edition came as part of an Indiespensable shipment (best book club ever). Because I am behind in everything, I am still reading books from awhile ago. I am embarrassed to admit that I had never read anything by George Eliot before. Well, that is all going to change after reading this novel.

 

I am one of the few individuals who has also never read anything by Jeffrey Eugenides. Middlesex? On my to-read list but hasn't happened. I know some people were letdown after reading his latest but the only expectations I had were from the positive reviews. This is one of those novels that did an amazing job depicting depression. I know there are a lot of things about this book to comment on but I want to focus on the character, Leonard. I found the story the most powerful when it shifted to Leonard's voice. I also think it perfectly captured the emotions of the people around him who struggle with helping him and feeling resentful of his illness.

When?

Not too long ago on Facebook a friend of mine posed a question on what advice you wish you could give your younger self.  For the last week I've thought a lot about the past and trying to figure out the period of time that I would to go back to and change things.  I know. I know. I really try to live life by looking forward and not dwelling on the past.  I am so much better about this as I get older but I haven't been able to shake this thought for the last week.  I would not go back to high school.  I was such an unhappy teenager who just wanted to throw everything away.  Those days are far too painful to go through again.  I wouldn't pick my University of Kansas or Kansas City days because I was far too lost.  I wasn't as unhappy as I was just lost.  

I would go back to my Chicago days when I was finishing up my undergraduate days. I had already experienced a lot of loss and struggled for years with different demons.  I was pulling myself together after so many years of not knowing what I wanted.  I was surrounded by family and meeting lifelong friends.  I had my health. I was just starting to develop awareness of who I was going to become. I had my dad. I would go back and just savor those days.  I wouldn't have wasted any minute of those three years. It wasn't a walk in the park even though I have let nostalgia creep in.  The last year of school was rough.  My dad's illness probably pulled me from the brink.  Actually, I know it did.  I was in crisis therapy -- four days a week for over three months.  But, it was also the most alive I have ever felt.  I also think I was at this crossroads when I was making decisions that would change the course of my life.  I stepped back from student teaching within a month of starting.  I made a decision on what to do for the year after college that led me down my current career path.  

Would I make those same decisions?  I have never regretted my decision of stopping the student teaching and not finishing my education degree.  It gave me a chance to spend precious days with my dad in the last year of his life.  I do think the change I would probably reconsider is doing another stint in VISTA and going to library school.  I don't think it has the been most satisfying career in that I don't think I make that much of a difference in the world or find as much personal satisfaction as I wanted.  I miss my idealism.  I miss the passion I felt for certain things.  I think those were things that made me a better person. 

I've made a lot of bad decisions since those days in my mid to late twenties.  I've also made some good ones.  Six years ago almost to the day, I was forced to make a fairly big decision of leaving New York and New Jersey for a return to either Chicago or move to Oregon. As much as I miss Chicago, I know that moving here was the healthiest choice at that time.  I was at one of the lowest points of my life.  Am I entirely healed from all of that?  Not 100% but getting there.  I recently decided that I need to approach big decisions with a little more thoughtfulness.  I know I can't get back my youth or recreate relationships based on who we all were back in those days. But, I am trying to get some of that spirit back.  I also keep thinking of my recent thoughts of what lessons I would take from the present and try to inject in the past.  I just don't want my future self looking back at this time in my life with regrets because that is my biggest fear --- that at the end of my life, I will have more regrets than moments of satisfaction. 

Turn of Mind

Terrific book. This book is told from the perspective of a 64 year old woman suffering from Alzheimer's Disease.  It is a bit of a thriller because she is accused of the murder of a close friend and neighbor.  The story follows her decline.  There were so many moments in this book that left me terrified at the thought of experiencing dementia or a related disease.  For me, it was nice to have this book set in Chicago.  I am familiar with the neighborhood where the main character lives so I had an easy time picturing things.

Best of 2012

What did I like in 2012?  

Even though I read more books in 2012 compared to 2011, I didn't read as many great ones.  Normally, I would have a difficult time narrowing my list to my favorite book of the year.  Now I am having a hard time coming up with a favorite one because they were all average.

Fiction: I will have to go with State of Wonder by Ann Patchett. The Fates will Find Their Way by Hannah Pittard is a close second.

Non-fiction: I finally read Douglas Brinkley's book, The Great Deluge.  While the author bothers me on many levels, I thought this was a well-written book.  I also try to absorb as many different things related to New Orleans so this was a natural pick.

Movies:
Most of my movie watching is based on my quirky movie watching system of classics and top movies that I have missed over the years.  Since I usually do a recap after I finish an alphabet, I am going to focus on movies that did not fall within that system.

Beasts of the Southern Wild.  Lincoln is a close second.  Honestly, I loved the Hunger Games. I am currently making my way through other movies released in 2012 that are still in theaters so this throws off my list.  For example, on New Year's Day I saw Django Unchained and that could have bumped off Beasts.

Concerts:
This is a tie between Bruce Springsteen and the Gossip.  I have never considered myself a Bruce fan so it is somewhat odd that he made this list.  It is only in the last few years that I've started appreciating his music.  But, he turned me around based on this concert.  He played for two and a half hours.  I see performers half his age who play an hour and a half tops.  He played his heart out.  He was constantly bringing different people on stage.  He interacted a lot with the audience.  He mixed up the play list.  I had a blast.  Amazing show.  I loved the Gossip show because it was such a positive experience.  The crowd was diverse.  Beth Ditto sang her heart out.  Everything was just happy.  She also brought a fan on stage during her final encore because she heard this woman's voice coming from the crowd.  Watching Ditto hand over the microphone to this woman, the crowd's reaction to her voice and her reaction to the applause brought on some tears of joy for many people in the crowd.

Dum Dum Girls were great. Meshell Ndgeocello doesn't disappoint. Cat Power definitely disappointed me but I attribute that to her current health situation.  I will say that the crowd experience for that show was probably the worst one I've experienced in Portland.

I can't really pick my favorite music because I am all over the place.  I have to reflect on my favorite discoveries for this year...

Recent Reading

I admit that it took me awhile to get through this book but it was a wonderful read.  I know, a biography of cancer, wee!  It is a fascinating walk through the history of cancer prevention, treatment, people and politics. It was also nice to see my place of employment and one of the star doctors featured in the book. 



Excellent book. At first, I was not sure that I would like it because it started off slowly and the main character was so messed up. I ended up loving this book for perfectly capturing the moments of a relationship that had so many intense moments followed by intense sadness.

 

I loved this book. Over the years, I have heard great things about Patchett's writing but this was the first book I've read of hers. Some fans of hers were unimpressed by this novel but I really enjoyed it from start to finish. It motivated me to read some of her earlier work sometime in the next year.

 

Hmmm...I ended up disappointed with this one. It had a lot of buzz surrounding it so I was pleased that it came as part of a book club shipment. It started off as a fascinating tale but then just grew somewhat tedious. The last quarter of the book was the weak spot and just lost me a bit.