New Start

May 1st is my four year anniversary of leaving New Jersey and arriving in Portland. I have decided that it is time to start a new chapter in my life. Four years seems like a decent amount of time -- we are supposed to get through high school in four years and the same with college.  Why not a new chapter in adulthood? As I've already mentioned off/on, I haven't had the easiest time since the start of 2011. You name it...I've had a struggle with it.  I am already making a mental list of the things I want to change in my life. Whether it is my approach to work, my financial situation, people I associate with, or how I approach different situations, I've decided to make some significant changes. I know it won't happen overnight, but I want to reward myself for making daily progress. 


I am referring to these changes as my new manifesto for life. I need to shed some of the unhealthy behaviors from the last year, including some of the unhappiness associated with this time. I think it also boils down to the fact that life is too short to spend time working so hard on relationships that should make us happy. I strongly believe that we should surround ourselves with people who leave us feeling fulfilled, confident, nurtured, and lighthearted.  I no longer want to spend time in therapy discussing relationships that should meet basic needs.  You are either good to me or you are not.  If you are not, good riddance. I am closing a lot of doors that I believe will leave me a much happier person.

Months ahead

I am in Chicago for a meeting.  I don't think I have ever visited Chicago and only stayed in one small area for the entire trip.  I guess it is appropriate since I didn't have time to really see anyone.


I have another trip planned next week to go to San Francisco for a long weekend.  After that, I am not sure how much time I want to spend travelling.


I start a chemo drug in a few weeks.  I am supposed to avoid large crowds because my immune system is going to be whacky. It is starting to hit me that I am really freaked out by the potential side effects. I looked in the mirror today and realized that I already look exhausted. I am pushing myself really hard to meet some deadlines and I think it is starting to take a toll on me.

Weather

I was not the happiest teenager. I can't really pinpoint the reason for all of my angst except I probably felt very alone. I had friends. But, I didn't have many people who I felt understood me, or wouldn't judge me for all of my dark thoughts. It wasn't a huge secret that I was a depressed teenager. A good friend of mine knew I had struggled with major depression during my junior year of high school. We were both involved in the journalism program so she used my story for our high school's newspaper feature on suicidal teens. I think I still have a copy of that article somewhere in a box. I kept most of my suicidal thoughts from my family.  Looking back, everyone in my family was pretty much in the dark about my struggles starting when I was 13 years old.


I can look back at my life and point to some of the darkest moments -- my last year at KU, my last year at DePaul, off/on in New Jersey, and this past year. I am still haunted by some of my struggles when I was 16 years old. It was my first experience with loss/grief, fear, and deep depression. I won't go into the details but it left me scarred for many years. April 22 and 23rd are anniversaries that I will never forget. 24 years later and I still think of that time in my life and how everything just seemed impossible. To this day, I still get hit with sadness on those first warm days of spring. It takes me back to 1987 and some of those early warm spring days. I always find it amazing how a certain smell can just slam me with memories. 24 years later and I can still remember how I felt on some of those days.