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I was not the happiest teenager. I can't really pinpoint the reason for all of my angst except I probably felt very alone. I had friends. But, I didn't have many people who I felt understood me, or wouldn't judge me for all of my dark thoughts. It wasn't a huge secret that I was a depressed teenager. A good friend of mine knew I had struggled with major depression during my junior year of high school. We were both involved in the journalism program so she used my story for our high school's newspaper feature on suicidal teens. I think I still have a copy of that article somewhere in a box. I kept most of my suicidal thoughts from my family.  Looking back, everyone in my family was pretty much in the dark about my struggles starting when I was 13 years old.


I can look back at my life and point to some of the darkest moments -- my last year at KU, my last year at DePaul, off/on in New Jersey, and this past year. I am still haunted by some of my struggles when I was 16 years old. It was my first experience with loss/grief, fear, and deep depression. I won't go into the details but it left me scarred for many years. April 22 and 23rd are anniversaries that I will never forget. 24 years later and I still think of that time in my life and how everything just seemed impossible. To this day, I still get hit with sadness on those first warm days of spring. It takes me back to 1987 and some of those early warm spring days. I always find it amazing how a certain smell can just slam me with memories. 24 years later and I can still remember how I felt on some of those days.