March Reading and Writing

I definitely didn't read or watch as many things in March.  I don't think April will be much better.


Watched:
Che: Um, it is long.  I guess that aspect of the movie didn't bother me that much since I could  break my watching into sections.  What did bother me was my inability to remember people or battle scenes.  I think they were scenes filmed separately and not Soderbaugh just splicing the same scene throughout the movie.  Benicio del Toro was excellent.


Fantastic Mr. Fox: When my sisters visited, one of them raved about this movie.  On my recent flight to Chicago, I decided to watch this movie over Whip It.  I loved it.  I love foxes.


Read:
Beautiful Children by Charles Bock: I heard such excellent things about this book, but I couldn't get into it.  Part of my problem was that I didn't like a single character.  The novel takes place in Las Vegas and surrounds the disappearance of a boy.  The boy deserved to be lost.  Just sayin'.  


What Obama Means by Jabari Asim: I really liked this breezy book about the social, cultural, and historical significance of Obama's election victory.   I can't remember what I liked about it but there was some good stuff.  

Loss

Loss.  Change.  Regrets.  Uncertainity.

It seems as if those are four words that keep running through my brain at all hours.  My recent trip home stirred up these feelings even more than usual.  Leading up to my trip, I was dealing with change and uncertainty but now loss and regrets are starting to pop up.  

A significant loss in my life was my father.  It is hard for me to go through changes without wondering what advice my dad would give me, or how he always made me feel calm.  In the thirteen years since he died, I have seen major shifts in my life.  I sometimes wonder what he would think. He would certainly approve of my professional decisions since he was always a strong advocate of libraries and librarians.  He would definitely worry about my financial situation.  What I don't know is how he would advise me on my relationships and the way I struggle finding my way.  He was a practical person not given to major shifts in his life. I think my bouncing around the country would have driven him crazy.  On the other hand, I think he would appreciate that I follow my heart and gut instinct.  

Seeing people from elementary school days to workplaces has stirred up a myriad of emotions.  I love reconnecting with people.  It is one reason why I love Facebook.  Yet, I feel a greater sense of loss since I miss everyone I spent time with during my visit.  To use a cliche, distance has made the heart grow fonder.  

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I wish I hadn't let so much time go by without reaching out to someone.  I regret letting minor incidents limit communication for a lengthy period of time.  I regret not treating people as they should have been treated during our relationship.  We start relationships, friendships and other, with infinite possibilities ahead of us.  Somehow we grow apart because we grow older, our needs go in different directions or we simply reach an end.  I felt that sense of loss and regret over how I let all three things happen with different people.  Mostly, I regret that distance now stands in the way of enjoying friendships on a more frequent basis, especially as I worry about people and the issues they face.  

My dad never believed that we should live in the past.  I have multiple letters where he advises me on moving forward and not looking back.  It was usually when he would pull out some quotes from his favorite philosophers and try to make me feel better.  While I agree with him on many levels, I really wish I could go back to at least three different times in my Illinois history and made a different decision or just tried harder.  Instead of avoiding or giving up, I wish I would have fought harder for those friends.

Thank you friends and family from Freeport or Chicago for filling up my heart this last week with love and support.  I carry my lessons with you as I move forward.

Trips Home

Well, I am back after a trip home to Illinois.  Some thoughts after my trip:

- I can go years without seeing people, yet I can reconnect with them as if no time has passed.  Whether it was six months ago or thirteen years, I was able to pick right up with people.

- My family and friends have some amazing children that are beautiful and intelligent.

- Chicago and Freeport are my homes.  I miss the city, the landscape and the people. This trip confirmed my feelings that distance is becoming more tiresome.

- It is possible to work at places where you do think of people as family (dysfunctional  but still family). I think of their feelings, their families, and health even after many years.

- It felt great to be silly.  Going around town taking photos, setting a dare, and jamming in the car even though we were parked outside the house were just moments of joy. 

What did I do on my trip home?

- Went to dinner at a restaurant that I used to frequent a lot when I lived in Freeport.  I realized that I hadn't been there since my dad died.  At least, I think that is true.

- Spent time with a friend that I had not seen since my dad's wake - 13 years ago.

- Met my mom's new husband, or I should say, was reintroduced to my mom's new husband.

- Visited the college where my dad taught for many years.

- Had lunch with a longtime family friend at a new version of a place I once worked.

- Visited the cemetery.

- Went out bar hopping with friends from high school.

- Took photos around Freeport with my mom.  I focused on Lincoln and Pretzel related items, but I also took photos of buildings that I liked or places that had meaning.

- Stopped by my childhood home but couldn't go into the backyard.  Seeing landscaping from my father was enough to start the tears flowing.

- Lunch (Culverized) with family.

- Spent time with the town's citizen of the year (my sister).

- Went to the release party for Bell's Oberon and met Larry Bell.

- Spent time hanging out with my best friend's kids who are brilliant and funny.

- Went to Three Floyd's Brewery for beer tasting.

- Went to White Fence Farm for chicken tasting.

- Went to Village Tap, an old haunt, to realize that I am becoming old.

- Napped.

- Watched children dye eggs, a favorite childhood activity.

- Went to another old haunt, Lincoln Tap Room, to watch college basketball with friends.

- Went to breakfast with two former co-workers who are also longtime friends.

- Had Easter brunch at my sister's house

- Thought a lot about where I am at in my life and the steps I want to take in the coming months.