Loss

Loss.  Change.  Regrets.  Uncertainity.

It seems as if those are four words that keep running through my brain at all hours.  My recent trip home stirred up these feelings even more than usual.  Leading up to my trip, I was dealing with change and uncertainty but now loss and regrets are starting to pop up.  

A significant loss in my life was my father.  It is hard for me to go through changes without wondering what advice my dad would give me, or how he always made me feel calm.  In the thirteen years since he died, I have seen major shifts in my life.  I sometimes wonder what he would think. He would certainly approve of my professional decisions since he was always a strong advocate of libraries and librarians.  He would definitely worry about my financial situation.  What I don't know is how he would advise me on my relationships and the way I struggle finding my way.  He was a practical person not given to major shifts in his life. I think my bouncing around the country would have driven him crazy.  On the other hand, I think he would appreciate that I follow my heart and gut instinct.  

Seeing people from elementary school days to workplaces has stirred up a myriad of emotions.  I love reconnecting with people.  It is one reason why I love Facebook.  Yet, I feel a greater sense of loss since I miss everyone I spent time with during my visit.  To use a cliche, distance has made the heart grow fonder.  

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I wish I hadn't let so much time go by without reaching out to someone.  I regret letting minor incidents limit communication for a lengthy period of time.  I regret not treating people as they should have been treated during our relationship.  We start relationships, friendships and other, with infinite possibilities ahead of us.  Somehow we grow apart because we grow older, our needs go in different directions or we simply reach an end.  I felt that sense of loss and regret over how I let all three things happen with different people.  Mostly, I regret that distance now stands in the way of enjoying friendships on a more frequent basis, especially as I worry about people and the issues they face.  

My dad never believed that we should live in the past.  I have multiple letters where he advises me on moving forward and not looking back.  It was usually when he would pull out some quotes from his favorite philosophers and try to make me feel better.  While I agree with him on many levels, I really wish I could go back to at least three different times in my Illinois history and made a different decision or just tried harder.  Instead of avoiding or giving up, I wish I would have fought harder for those friends.

Thank you friends and family from Freeport or Chicago for filling up my heart this last week with love and support.  I carry my lessons with you as I move forward.