Letter C

I probably mentioned in the past how I am watching movies that I've never seen by alphabet. I am relying on multiple lists to generate my list of movies to see --- list of Roger Ebert's favorite movies, Oscar winners, IMDB top movies, AFI's top 100/top 400/top 10 in different categories and so on.  I finally finished watching all of the movies that start with "C".  There are still some movies that I haven't seen in this category because they weren't available from Netflix or I added them after I finished the letter. 


What I loved:
Chariots of Fire
Chop Shop (movie broke my heart)
City Lights (I had seen bits before)
The Conversation
Cool Hand Luke


What I really liked:
Cabin in the Sky
Camille
Casablanca (I had seen bits before)
Citizen Kane
Coming Home
Crimes and Misdemeanors


What I hated:
A Clockwork Orange


Others:
Cabinet of Dr. Caligari - I barely remember this movie
Cabiria - I thought I should get a prize for watching this entire movie. 
Caine Mutiny - Weak
Carmen Jones - I love Harry Belafonte
Carrie - I really didn't think this movie was that scary
Cat Ballou - I still have that damn song in my head
Cat People - this movie cracked me up
Changeling - it was so/so
El Cid
Cimarron
Cleopatra -- wow...also deserve a prize for watching this movie
Cries and Whispers
Crumb
Cry in the Dark - the joke about the dingo in Meryl Streep's voice ruined the most dramatic part of the movie


So, what had I already seen (people kept asking me this)
Caddyshack
Capturing the Friedmans
Casino
Chicago
Children of a Lesser God
Children of Men
Chinatown
A Christmas Story
Cinderalla
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Color Purple
Crash
Curious Case of Benjamin Button


Movies that appeared on the most lists:
A Clockwork Orange
City Lights
Citizen Kane
Chinatown
Casablanca


Now I am working on the letter, E.  Yes, I am going every other letter.

catt tacking ovver

Nice that the human has not changed her blog title to reflect the most recent addition to the household.  Whatever because I am taking over this place.  I am smart.  I learned how to use check my spelling on this computer.  Next step is domination over the dog.


Progress in last few days:


1. I threw up on dog
2. I turned on the stove.  Thought human would rescue me and not dog. She noticed burner on. Fail.
3. Tried to remove food supply for dog. I tore into her brand new food bag and was going to hide every piece. Human noticed the rip and put the smelly stuff in a tub for the dog.  Will try next time.

What the hell?

Elston just walked across the living room.  I saw something on her back so I called her over.  It was a spider.


Were they playing "why don't we pretend I am a horse and you are a cowboy" in this household?  Was the spider so lazy that it slipped Elston a $5 bill and said carry me closer to your owner so I can use my saved up energy to freak her out?  Is the dog so creaky old that she thinks a spider can provide an adequate massage with its eight legs?  Was Elston giving tours of the apartment to all of the insects?  Is this a job she has on the side so she can buy greenies on the corner while I am at work?

We are a little pathetic

I started the medication two weeks from yesterday.  I'm fairly low-key about the side effects because I don't want to start analyzing every little sensation. I've had some issues with nausea and getting sick. As a result, I'm dealing with some appetite issues because I hate getting sick.  I came home from work tonight and needed to rest for awhile.  It was a really long day after four days off and one day working from home. I finally decided to eat something but I didn't have the energy to make anything.  Cheese and crackers. Small yogurt. With my mini-boost of energy, I decided to deal with the ice maker in the freezer since it was jammed with ice. 


I decided to put a bunch of cubes in Elston's water because she doesn't drink as much from that bowl and it was an easy way to fill it up. Lo and behold, a certain someone decided that she needed to eat a lot of that ice. Usually, she will pick up a cube, lick it, and then drop it on the ground to create a nice puddle.  Oh, not tonight. I guess she likes ice that comes from an ice maker.  Who knew?  I sat down to read the newspaper.  She was on the living room floor surrounded by more ice cubes. She sat up.  Ears back. Yep, she was going to get sick.  By the way, who gets sick from ice?  My dog.


I ran outside with her.  We make it into the parking lot just as she loses her dinner and various snacks (who knew that a carrot could last a day with her??). I couldn't just leave this mess in the parking lot so I went to the recycling bins to grab some newspaper to clean things up. I muttered to myself that Elston was either trying to compete with me or was trying some sympathy sickness. I suspect it was the former.  As I was cleaning it up, I got queasy. I ran with her to the garbage dumpster and got sick.  I am not sure if any neighbors were watching this whole scene -- dog purging, me trying to clean it up, or me halfway into a dumpster.  My hope is that they didn't just see the third scene of this pathetic mess. When people wonder how I am doing, I want to point to this evening as an example of how the little things can be a struggle.  Energy issues. Appetite. Solo dog owner. Sensitive human stomach.  This could be a very long road as she ages and I struggle with these issues.

Anniversaries and Raccoons

As mentioned in my last post, today is the fourth anniversary of leaving New Jersey for Oregon. I've spent the last 3-4 days thinking and writing about my approach for the next four months.  I've decided that my new chapter needs to start with smaller chunks of time.  I decided to focus on May-August as my timeframe to start implementing some changes.  I am not going to document the specific changes on the blog because I do want some semblance of privacy on what I hope to achieve.  Who knows...maybe I will report on my progress at the end of August.  


I will say that I feel content.  I'm not reflecting at all on the last four years, or why I feel such a strong urge to make changes.  I just know it is time.  Other than wanting to sic some cats on the neighbor's barking dog, I am at peace with where things stand in my life.  


On a less heavy note - my dreaded neighbor did tell me this afternoon that he has seen a lot of raccoons hanging out on my deck. He would know since he is out there at all hours of the night talking super loud.  God knows, the dog wouldn't tell me if a raccoon family set up camp on the deck with a fire and roasted hot dogs.  I guess I should be grateful that the neighbor wanted to let me know so I wouldn't leave Elston on my back porch in the evening.  Right.  She would only give up her bed if a pile of greenies was sitting on the deck.

New Start

May 1st is my four year anniversary of leaving New Jersey and arriving in Portland. I have decided that it is time to start a new chapter in my life. Four years seems like a decent amount of time -- we are supposed to get through high school in four years and the same with college.  Why not a new chapter in adulthood? As I've already mentioned off/on, I haven't had the easiest time since the start of 2011. You name it...I've had a struggle with it.  I am already making a mental list of the things I want to change in my life. Whether it is my approach to work, my financial situation, people I associate with, or how I approach different situations, I've decided to make some significant changes. I know it won't happen overnight, but I want to reward myself for making daily progress. 


I am referring to these changes as my new manifesto for life. I need to shed some of the unhealthy behaviors from the last year, including some of the unhappiness associated with this time. I think it also boils down to the fact that life is too short to spend time working so hard on relationships that should make us happy. I strongly believe that we should surround ourselves with people who leave us feeling fulfilled, confident, nurtured, and lighthearted.  I no longer want to spend time in therapy discussing relationships that should meet basic needs.  You are either good to me or you are not.  If you are not, good riddance. I am closing a lot of doors that I believe will leave me a much happier person.

Months ahead

I am in Chicago for a meeting.  I don't think I have ever visited Chicago and only stayed in one small area for the entire trip.  I guess it is appropriate since I didn't have time to really see anyone.


I have another trip planned next week to go to San Francisco for a long weekend.  After that, I am not sure how much time I want to spend travelling.


I start a chemo drug in a few weeks.  I am supposed to avoid large crowds because my immune system is going to be whacky. It is starting to hit me that I am really freaked out by the potential side effects. I looked in the mirror today and realized that I already look exhausted. I am pushing myself really hard to meet some deadlines and I think it is starting to take a toll on me.

Weather

I was not the happiest teenager. I can't really pinpoint the reason for all of my angst except I probably felt very alone. I had friends. But, I didn't have many people who I felt understood me, or wouldn't judge me for all of my dark thoughts. It wasn't a huge secret that I was a depressed teenager. A good friend of mine knew I had struggled with major depression during my junior year of high school. We were both involved in the journalism program so she used my story for our high school's newspaper feature on suicidal teens. I think I still have a copy of that article somewhere in a box. I kept most of my suicidal thoughts from my family.  Looking back, everyone in my family was pretty much in the dark about my struggles starting when I was 13 years old.


I can look back at my life and point to some of the darkest moments -- my last year at KU, my last year at DePaul, off/on in New Jersey, and this past year. I am still haunted by some of my struggles when I was 16 years old. It was my first experience with loss/grief, fear, and deep depression. I won't go into the details but it left me scarred for many years. April 22 and 23rd are anniversaries that I will never forget. 24 years later and I still think of that time in my life and how everything just seemed impossible. To this day, I still get hit with sadness on those first warm days of spring. It takes me back to 1987 and some of those early warm spring days. I always find it amazing how a certain smell can just slam me with memories. 24 years later and I can still remember how I felt on some of those days. 

Not so smooth

Elston did something I've never seen before in 13 years.  She decided to jump over a big puddle.  She miscalculated either the size or her leaping ability because she didn't make it over the puddle.  She landed at the end of the puddle with a giant splash.


I burst out laughing.  Her ears went back because she was either embarrassed or scared by my guffaw. I give her credit for the sudden burst of energy.

Rain is never going to end

Some random thoughts of mine these days:


1) A certain canine likes to take her precious time walking up the stairs to the apartment in the morning, early evening, and late night.  She stops a few times and looks out over the street.  Personally, I think she taunts the dog who loses its little barking mind whenever it sees her.  Her selective hearing loss can't ignore its barking.  Yet, I find it funny that this little red canine can suddenly hop up the stairs when I take her out before she gets her Greenie. She beats me up the stairs.  Is there a lesson book on dog tricks that she didn't read?  Consistency. 


2) The same red canine is slowing down a bit.  She didn't notice the raccoon trying to claw its way through the sliding glass door.  She didn't notice when a huge limb landed on our back porch. She doesn't greet me at the door anymore because she is usually asleep on the bed.  She has been dealing with some incontinence issues.  I know she is embarrassed that I am revealing such personal health issues on a blog.  I told her that I wouldn't provide any additional details if she stopped being stubborn with her medication for the issue. Submissive pill popping dog is no longer.  It is cute how she shows her teeth as I clamp her mouth shut and stroke her throat so she won't spit out the pill.  Greenie pill pockets...here we come.


3) I really don't like to judge people so quickly, but I am judging my new neighbors.  I want to take their yippy, non-stop barking dog (only barks when they are away and is not the dog that loses its mind over Elston) and pack it in their Hummer.  A Hummer?  Really?  Also, they must stomp their feet when they walk because I can hear them.  Upstairs.  I miss my old neighbors who were quiet, normal dog, and normal car.


4) This is the first time since 2004 that I haven't taken the first days off for the NCAA tournament.  It is my own fault in not blocking off my schedule. I do have tomorrow off but I am also cramming in a conference call, blood transfusion, and working on a book chapter. Kinda sucks.


5) I am in desperate need of a vacation.  I need time away from the computer, work, life, rain, and other things.  This has definitely been one of the most difficult stretches I've had in a long time.  I keep waiting for things to settle down but it isn't happening.

Complicated Dreams

There is no question that some of my medication gives me strange dreams.  I still try to find logic in my dreams, which is kinda silly.  I woke up at 4 this morning, and realized that my dream had zero logic.  

I was in a store with my Dad.  We were with several other people on a road trip.  I walked into part of the store, and stopped in my tracks.  In front of me were different cases of Bell's beer. I grabbed a cart.  I was tossing in cases of Oberon, Two Hearted Ale, Kalamazoo Stout, Double Cream Stout, Expedition, and names I've never seen before.  My dad came back to me and said there was a $50 limit on what I could bring with us. Apparently, we were crossing state lines, and there was some silly rule that should never apply to beer. I didn't believe him. The store owner confirmed the law. I avoided obvious hysterics, and tried to narrow my choices.  I asked if my dad could buy some just to avoid the $50 limit.  Nope.

As if this nightmare wasn't already horrible, the dream veered into the absurd. My sister, Amy, held up a t-shirt for me.  It cost $50. It had David Soul on the front. He was sitting on the red Gran Torino. I walked away from the beer.

David Soul?  Please, I was (still am) a Paul Michael Glaser lovin gal. I was all about Starsky. I loved his hair. His piercing dark eyes (I think they are dark. C'mon, I was young during my obsession). I would have never walked away from Bell's beer for Hutch. Starsky? Possibly. If only I still had my Starsky doll. Sigh.

Analyze. 

Starting over

I am heading back to Portland after spending time at a professional conference.  It was a nice break from a bad start to 2011.  At different times this weekend, I thought my bad luck was continuing.

I woke up today feeling better about things.  I attribute some of these feelings to a few days in the sun.  It also felt great to spend time with close friends who provide a lot of encouragement and support. As much as I get frustrated with my profession, I am also grateful for all of the people it has brought to my life.


My hope is that I can carry these positive feelings back to Oregon with me, and let it last for awhile.  I am definitely making some changes when I get back.

Reading in 2010

I barely read anything this past year.  Since 2000, I've kept track of everything I've read (and watched but that is a different post), and this was the least productive year I've had since 2005.  The second half of the year was a struggle for me because I was travelling a lot, and even found myself months behind in newspapers.  You don't even want to see the stack of magazines that I moved with me.

Because I didn't reach much, I had an easier time picking out the top reads of the year.
Favorite book?  Into the Beautiful North by Luis Alberto Urrea.

Second favorite book?  Matterhorn by Karl Marlantes. This one was a surprise since I am not exactly a battle readin' kind of gal, but I couldn't put it down.

Least favorite book?  Home Girl by Judith Matloff.  I received this book for free, as long as I provided a review. I am not sure they appreciated my contribution.

I am telling myself that 2011 is the year when I will take more time to read for pleasure.  I hope I can stick to that resolution because I have a lot of good books waiting for me.

2011

I am trying to come up with a good theme for 2011 since 2010 was not a very good year for me.  I won't recount why it was a bad year, other than I made several decisions that I now regret.  I also don't think I approached situations in a way that is true to who I am.  Last year, I approached 2010 as the year I would figure things out.  Ha.  I guess that happened in a fucked up way.

What do I make this year about? The year I make more thoughtful decisions?  The year I set aside time to read more, and spend less time on the Internet?  The year of fun?  The year of working on my debt?  I think this is going to be the year of taking a step back from many things, and really figure things out.  I am going to try and do a better job of setting boundaries.