My friends, I hate to inform you but my new home has placed me in the heart of a new, more violent, Spider battlefield. I hesitate to tell you all of the details because I don't want you to fear for my safety or to give children nightmares. Yes, it is bad.
Apparently, the Spiders took advantage of a vacant house to turn it into some sort of Spider safehouse or even headquarters. The exact purpose of my house is unclear to me. What is clear to me is that we are dealing with savvier enemies.
Spider Forces
I need to state right from the start that these Spiders are significantly larger than the NE Portland branch of Spider nation. I don't know what they are feeding on but their size and speed is noteworthy, if not frightening. I can handle small and medium size Spiders. These are gigantic.
Dead Legs: These members of the Spider Forces are standing watch over something that is in the basement. I haven't determined if it is a weapons stash, meeting place, sleeping quarters or the headquarters of North Portland Spider Nation. Unfortunately, the washer and dryer are located in the basement. This poses problems for obvious reasons.
Agents: These are scary agents. Large. Very large. Fast. I have seen them try various maneuvers: hide under the bathroom rug and then strike in the early morning hours; stalk the bathroom floor and run fast; and the sink maneuver. The latter is the most alarming especially at 5:30 in the morning. These agents can swim! I know that the leaders are encouraging them to breach the DMZ - my bed. Red Dog is completely useless in defending our territory.
Assassin: Yes, they exist and I saw one last evening. It died.
Troops: I am assuming that I will only see these troops outside. I am trying to figure out their nutritional habits because they seem quite large.
I am waiting for the Special Orb Forces and Leaders to appear. So far, we are safe but I know they exist. They are watching us.
Human Tactics:
I have tried various measures to counteract the Spider hell I seem to have moved into.
Shoe Weaponry: I have used this twice to great success (One agent and Assassin)
Mowing: I can't take too much credit for the use of mower weaponry. It was purely accidental when I mowed over a Death Leg. Really. It is also isn't an effective weapon inside the house.
Relocation: This is the most controversial tactic and one that I refuse to use. BP and Mary have used this method with Death Legs. Mary did engage in Operation Massive Death Leg Relocation. It was an impressive display of moving at least 7-8 Death Legs out of the home.
Drowning: At this point, I have tried this with the Agents who are practicing sink maneuvers. The Agent who showed up this morning refused to drown. I believe the Agent faked his death and used the drain escape route. Is this considered waterboarding?
I am now moving into more extreme tactics.
Noise Torture: I have deployed multiple noise sensors that are supposed to drive out Spider forces and their prey. While I have noticed a decline in the enemy, I am not completely satisfied especially after the Thursday morning sink strike of an Agent.
Canine and Feline: Red Dog needs training. She took out an Agent that suddenly appeared on her doctor's waiting room floor. I still think it is a big "ha-ha, see I can kill them but only when you take me to places I don't like." Felines are moving in this weekend but I have been warned that they are not trained in Spider warfare.
Chemical Warfare: I am seriously contemplating bringing in a professional chemical weapons expert to secure the perimeter.
Meanwhile, I need to face the dark terrain and do laundry. My personal safety blanket will either be xanax or a lot of alcohol.
It hasn't been an easy time. I hate to say this but they could win this battle.
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