Status

I am kinda freaked out by this somewhat scary book I am reading. Fortunately, I have two canines next to me who are tuned into every single noise. Sophie just growled at something. Not only do I feel protected, I also feel slightly paranoid.

I survived my first full week back on a job. I definitely made the right decision by taking this position. On Thursday and Friday, I found out about two new projects that I can join. They sound fun and exciting. It just reinforces why it is sometimes a nice thing to work at a smaller place.

As I said to a couple of people today, I have my good and bad days. Yesterday, was a good day. On my way to work, the radio played a Dinosaur Jr song from the late 80's and there was an amazing view of Mt Hood with a post-sunrise sky that provided a pinkish backdrop to the white capped mountain. It was one of those moments when I felt...happy. I know that sounds like a boring description of my emotions but I don't know how else to put it.

Today not so good. I woke up in a funk. I always have this weight around me...I guess it is sadness or emptiness. I sometimes lose focus of something I am working on or thinking about. Today was a day when that feeling took over. By late afternoon, I was able to shake it. I hope this goes away after time. I'm still in a better place emotionally than early February when my world collapsed. Or, I should say that my emotions are the same but my coping skills have improved. My emotions have turned more to sadness/emptiness than complete despair. I just slip into those moments of despair, like earlier today, when I have to fight my way out.

Speaking of sadness, I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was giving a talk at some public forum. I was the third in a group of speakers. Before people started talking, I noticed that the room was filling up with lots of family friends, including people who have died. I went out to get a drink of water. When I returned, the first speaker was up. She was singing her talk. It was a woman who I saw at an event a few months ago (Meg will know who I am talking about...the woman who sings and does the weird pirouettes.). I was actually sitting next to Meg and trying not to giggle. I don't remember the second person. It was my turn. I was wearing my Shake Shack t-shirt and a pair of corduroys that were similar to a pair my dad always wore. I was talking about a historical analysis of race relations. I was very casual and comfortable with the crowd. I had some of the mannerisms as my dad - hands in my pocket and rocking back and forth on my heels or rubbing my hand against the back of my neck. I was conscious of this when I looked out and I noticed some of the family friends whispering to each other. I don't know. It was a weird dream and I woke up sad. I still think one of the coolest things I ever did was take my dad for two classes. I guess it is how I know what he looked like when he was lecturing.

I am officially rambling and now tired enough to go to sleep.