I can finally write about this now that I am safely in the city limits of Charleston, South Carolina, and far away from the enemies in Portland. Yes, the Spiders. I know it has been awhile since I have updated the world on the Spider wars. Honestly, it has been quiet. I know.
A few weeks ago, I went to a local briefing on Spider venoms: tools of tiny predators. You ain't kidding. I was really prepared for a bunch of propaganda because it was hosted by a local science museum. The speaker even tossed out a few quotes from several official Spider propagandists otherwise known as Information Representatives of Spider Nation. It quickly turned into a useful lesson for all of us on Spider defense.
We started off by viewing the key tools of Spiders. What are they? Eyes. Lots of beady little eyes. The speaker, aka Expert, informed us of their killing methods. Did you know that there are 40,000 species of Spiders? Yes, my friends. 40,000 species prepared to prey on us and plot their stupid overthrows. They immobilize prey using special things such as 8 eyes, narrow waists (so disarming), silk and venom.
In our debriefing, we saw images of where venom comes out of their creepy bodies. Elston could have really used this session to work on her strategy of disarmament. I am sure she was pondering the usefulness of Greenies in filling her belly over the safety of our fair city.
We also learned of their "prey capture techniques" which was quite alarming. Some Spider species are clever enough to actually fish, disguise their bodies by using camouflage, create a folding door environment and other such horrible tactics.
The debriefing became more exciting when she moved to the 30 Spider families in the Northwest. I thought I was leaving the mafia behind in New Jersey but they have nothing on these little killing machines. They aren't the Ogre Faced Spider clan that are causing so many problems in my neighborhood. No. It is the Cross Spider family that controls my area. They took over the gambling machines, kicked out the kitten prostitutes and now control a 4 block radius around the library. Yes, it is true. Really. They don't fool me with their Cross Social Club signs just like the signs in Hoboken that said Soprano Social Club with old Spiders sitting out front made me walk a little faster. I was quite impressed with the Expert who described the Spies (one failure on her part was not calling them Spies. Why protect the audience? Hobo, Garden and Wolf are lame nicknames). As she described the Wolf Spies, she mentioned their mating calls. All I could recall was the little theme song from Deliverance that I hear playing in the trees as I walk by with Elston. Now I know it is a bunch of Wolf Spy Sex. Are they serenading the crows?
As I sat and listened to the Expert and debated how we could get her to walk our neighborhood and make the Spiders quiver, I realized the challenges facing us. As she reminded us, the Spider can provide us cheap, accessible entertainment or they can own us. After all, the Spiders have been around forever.
I did walk away with some new killing tactics. Flip a Spider on its back and it will stick to its web. Strike fear in them by mentioning the Jumping Spider that stalks like a cat. What scares us? Fear of others. I am sure we can get new colonizing Spiders to scare the Cross Spiders out of my neighborhood.
My friends, I do believe I have lost my mind.
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